April 1st

I have a confession to make.

I did something insensitive.  It was years and years ago, but this day now reminds me of it.  It was at a time when I was young and stupid and didn’t know better- but I feel so horrible about it now.  Though I have renounced any formal religion, the Catholic guilt can still get me, so I’m hoping confession will relieve me a bit.

Some background first.  I remember being on a family trip when I was a kid- a young teenager I think.  One day in the hotel room my siblings and I were just fooling around and we somehow figured out that most of us could push their stomach out in a way that looks pregnant.  My older sister could do it, my 9 and 10 year old younger brother and sister could do it.  It was funny seeing a sight on such a little person.  Oddly, I couldn’t.  Maybe I wasn’t coordinated enough or didn’t have the abs to do it, but I felt a little left out.

Fast forward to many years later.  I was in my early twenties and my sister had showed me a photo of her looking pregnant (with the whole push out your belly trick)- though it seemed hilarious because we knew she most certainly wasn’t.  So I tried it too, and this time I did it!  I was so impressed with myself.  The older me laughs a bit at this- having been asked many many times in my career “are you pregnant?” when I most certainly wasn’t.  Way to make me feel fat.  But in my skinny little 23 year old body, faking it was some sort of accomplishment.

I took a photo.  And posted it.  It wasn’t April fools (thankfully) but it was still a joke in my mind- seeing if anyone would comment.  I don’t think I got many responses.  I wondered about that- perhaps because it didn’t look as real as I thought, perhaps because I had no back story or perhaps because people were just being polite.

I am horrified that my younger self did this.  I was soooo far from the world of wanting to be pregnant, it seemed harmless.  My friends on social media were right there with me- I didn’t know anyone my age who pregnant, let alone trying or experiencing loss.  That, I am grateful for.  Though there could have been.  We all know that the loss and infertility world is often a silent one- we don’t always know who is grieving.

Today, April 1st, can be a significant one in the babyloss community.  Apparently it can be “a thing” to do an april fools pregnancy announcement on social media.  I am fortunate in that so far, I have not seen any… yet.  I hope that you all are in the same boat.  This day could be hard- or if there are no insensitive jokes, it could be a day like any other for most of us.

But today I also think of a friend, who will undoubtedly will be having a hard day.  She lost her son a year ago today- the cruelest of all jokes.  Thinking of her and Anders today and apologizing to the world for my young, insensitive self.

6 thoughts on “April 1st

    • thank you- you are too kind. it does feel good to get it off my chest. just like the words I’ve said (or absence of them) to people in the past when they were grieving. we dont know until we know, sadly.

  1. Ah another one of the long list of losses for us…pregancy is fun and adventourous and cute…until…
    I agree no wahala over this joke, if Mabel had lived, you would still think it funny and hilarious.

    • aye, perhaps. I would hope I would have grown up a little bit. Even just ttc for mabel- though I got pregnant relatively quickly, those few months of trying and not succeeding gave me so much perspective. But youth is a beautiful and ugly thing all at once, huh?

  2. When I was a kid I asked another mom why she only had one child. She told me that she had to lay down during the entire pregnancy with her daughter, otherwise the baby would fall out. I’m not sure if she mentioned any losses. It is so painful to think about this situation now – sure, I was a kid and probably couldn’t have known better, but that poor woman.

    • I dunno- I think questions from kids are in many ways so much easier to deal with than those from adults. the honesty, curiosity and freedom from societal rules makes their questions so sincere. The poor woman indeed, but I imagine your question as a child wasn’t as painful.

      Your memory reminds me of my niece at Mabel’s funeral. We had open casket for family and at age 3, she kept wanting to go up and see baby Mabel. the innocence was very endearing

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