April 1st

I have a confession to make.

I did something insensitive.  It was years and years ago, but this day now reminds me of it.  It was at a time when I was young and stupid and didn’t know better- but I feel so horrible about it now.  Though I have renounced any formal religion, the Catholic guilt can still get me, so I’m hoping confession will relieve me a bit.

Some background first.  I remember being on a family trip when I was a kid- a young teenager I think.  One day in the hotel room my siblings and I were just fooling around and we somehow figured out that most of us could push their stomach out in a way that looks pregnant.  My older sister could do it, my 9 and 10 year old younger brother and sister could do it.  It was funny seeing a sight on such a little person.  Oddly, I couldn’t.  Maybe I wasn’t coordinated enough or didn’t have the abs to do it, but I felt a little left out.

Fast forward to many years later.  I was in my early twenties and my sister had showed me a photo of her looking pregnant (with the whole push out your belly trick)- though it seemed hilarious because we knew she most certainly wasn’t.  So I tried it too, and this time I did it!  I was so impressed with myself.  The older me laughs a bit at this- having been asked many many times in my career “are you pregnant?” when I most certainly wasn’t.  Way to make me feel fat.  But in my skinny little 23 year old body, faking it was some sort of accomplishment.

I took a photo.  And posted it.  It wasn’t April fools (thankfully) but it was still a joke in my mind- seeing if anyone would comment.  I don’t think I got many responses.  I wondered about that- perhaps because it didn’t look as real as I thought, perhaps because I had no back story or perhaps because people were just being polite.

I am horrified that my younger self did this.  I was soooo far from the world of wanting to be pregnant, it seemed harmless.  My friends on social media were right there with me- I didn’t know anyone my age who pregnant, let alone trying or experiencing loss.  That, I am grateful for.  Though there could have been.  We all know that the loss and infertility world is often a silent one- we don’t always know who is grieving.

Today, April 1st, can be a significant one in the babyloss community.  Apparently it can be “a thing” to do an april fools pregnancy announcement on social media.  I am fortunate in that so far, I have not seen any… yet.  I hope that you all are in the same boat.  This day could be hard- or if there are no insensitive jokes, it could be a day like any other for most of us.

But today I also think of a friend, who will undoubtedly will be having a hard day.  She lost her son a year ago today- the cruelest of all jokes.  Thinking of her and Anders today and apologizing to the world for my young, insensitive self.