I should be…

I should be lamenting how I’m going to leave my child to return to work.  Instead I’m lamenting how I’m going to face pregnant women every day when I have no child.

I should be preparing myself to leave my baby in daycare for the first time.  Instead I’m asking my husband to hide the now useless carseat we had bought.

I should be looking forward to questions about my baby.  Instead I am thinking about how to answer those questions without crying.

I should be framing a picture of my baby to put on my desk at work.  Instead I am wondering if people want to look at a photo of a dead baby.

I should be waking up in the mornings tired and grumpy from middle of the night nursing sessions.  Instead I wake up in the mornings, nauseous, tired and sad beyond words.

I should be wishing I had time to exercise.  Instead I am planning my day around exercise because I have no baby to fill my time.

I should be pumping my milk.  Instead I am buying new bras because the old ones were stretched out from the week-long engorgement and the ice packs I used to make it go away.

I should be sharing my birth story in camaraderie.  Instead I tell my birth story to validate that my daughter actually existed.

I should be frustrated I have no time to run to the grocery store.  Instead I wait for Chris to come home so I won’t have enter the grocery store alone.

I should be worried about postpartum depression.  Instead I am wondering how to tell the difference between postpartum depression and grief.

I should be reading “Goodnight Moon” to my daughter.  Instead I’m reading my daughter’s autopsy report.

I should be complaining that 10 weeks is too early for a mom to leave her nursing baby.  Instead I’m worried that people will think my grief is gone at 10 weeks.

I shouldn’t have the time or energy to read.  Instead I am caught up on babyloss message boards and reading blogs and articles about others whose have held their babies as they die.

I should be eagerly awaiting the birth of my niece or nephew.  Instead I worry about how I will manage my grief with the arrival of such happy news.

I should be making a baby book. Instead I am making a memory book.

I should be celebrating every Saturday that my baby is a week older.  Instead I bring flowers to her grave.

I should be holding a baby.  Instead I have nothing to ease the ache in my heavy, empty arms.

1 thought on “I should be…

  1. Dear Meghan. There are no words I can say, and no way to ever comprehend your pain. What you’ve been through, is something no parent should ever experience. I gave birth in May 2013, 5 weeks early via emergency c section, to a beautiful little girl. She was born early and this way, thanks mainly to anhydramnios. I stumbled upon your blog, as only now – almost a year later have I had time to breathe and take in all that has happened to us. Up until the birth of your beautiful daughter our stories were so incredibly similar. Reading about The time you spend in hospital during the lead up, I could have sworn it was me writing those words. Until I read your blog, I don’t think i’d began to stop and think about what I’d been through… I cried non stop whilst reading. This winter has been spent mainly in hospital, with our daughter suffering every lung condition known to man. Thank you for sharing you story with the world, you’re incredibly brave and beautiful mummy and made me realise, that I should be grateful for all that I have.

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