Sunday Synopsis

El Deafo, How a girl turned her disability into a super power– I love how this normalizes a disability.  I hope there are more like it to come!

10 Ways C-sections and vaginal births are exactly the same. I know many of you had to have a c-section, which may or may not have been part of your birth plan.  I know my birthplan went out the window when we learned of Mabel’s prognosis.  I was prepared for an emergent c-section if needed and I gave up up on the vision I once had of a joyful, intervention-free labor and birth.  Instead, my labor was full of fear and dread and I opted for an epidural.  I could go on at lengths about how I feel I failed as a midwife there.  and that’s just an epidural.  I know many woman who struggle having had a c-section and I think this article is great for proving just how brave it is to go through that.

Bereaved Parents Voices Heard at Last- I like this article because it’s about giving babyloss moms voice- highlighting that our experience matters with our care- both the good and the bad.

Freshpet Holiday Feast– just because its funny.

Have you read anything lately that spoke to you? 

Sunday Synopsis

After a few days with no internet, it’s back and I’m finally re-connected to the world!

Should we get a dog? I loved this article! I feel like I went through the same ups and downs in deciding to get Muppet, but ultimately glad I did.  really interesting how mother’s brains react similarly to photos of their kids and photos of their dogs.

In my grief I have found a lot of support through certain online boards.  It’s amazing the kinship I feel with women I have never met and might only know by monikers and not even their real names.  One woman in my online community wants so badly to start a family through adoption.  I’m sharing her adoption profile here in case anyone knows someone who knows someone.  I hope if I am ever choosing the same path, others would share for me too.  I dare you not to feel tenderness for this couple when you read their site.

Grief and Getting a Good Night’s Sleep– I’ve always been really nit-picky about my sleep.  I need the room cold and dark with lots of white noise.  I blamed it on a profession that caused me to sleep at weird hours, but now that I’ve been living a more normal schedule and my needs are the same, I recognize it’s just who I am.  I’m a vivid dreamer and a difficult sleeper.  Grief certainly didnt (doesnt) help.  In the beginning I trial different sleep meds until I found one that could get me past 4 hours without waking up.  But what really helped reset my sleep clock after Mabel died was a weekend of camping. I’m going to throw that into suggestions as well.

Have you come across any articles that spoke to you recently?  Please post in comments!

Day 20: Breathe

“Step outside today and find a spot to sit or lay down on the ground. Switch off for a few minutes. Stare into the clouds and sky and notice your surroundings,” the prompt says today.  I left the house at 6am- it was dark.  I returned at 6:30p- it was dark.  There was no laying outside and remembering to breathe.

I breathed as I did sumo squat jumps and burpee after burpee at bootcamp.  I breathed as I found myself angry at something I saw on facebook- something that did not deserve my anger but received it in my mind anyways… because I’m not always in control of my feelings, justified or not.  I breathed as a a patient joked to me about wanting her tubes tied because her uterus worked too well- she’d be happy to donate it to someone!  I breathed when a coworker commented on how cute my new baby is- my puppy baby, that is, not my dead baby.  I breathed as an old friend reconnected with me and told me about the loss of her first child, something I had not known.

I took many breaths today, none of which were outside lying on the ground, staring at the sky.  But I breathed… as best I could throughout the small trials of my day.  And when it came to an end, after dinner was made and eaten, after the puppy peed on the floor, after lunch was packed for the next day, I finally did what the prompt wanted. I sat on the floor and lived in the moment.  The puppy came and plopped herself down on my lap and the light, warm weight of her body soothed me for a moment.  She weighs 7.8 lbs, roughly the size of a newborn.  She jumped from 4lbs to almost 8lbs in between vet visits, so I missed that magic 5lb 5oz, the weight of my daughter.  Perhaps it’s for the best, because as comforting as the Muppet puppy is, she is not my baby girl.  I will take her, though, for now, as a simple reminder to sit on the floor and breathe.

I’m not the only one who found breath and gratitude in their furry friends.  Seems a theme among the babylost.


photo 2 (26) photo 1 (28)