Day 24: Forgiveness

I have a lot of forgiveness to dole out.  I have been angry at people, felt hurt by people and been angry at myself and hurt myself.  I need to soften my heart and let the forgiveness seep in.

But I’m not ready.

Tonight I cried to Chris in the car, “I don’t like being angry. I just don’t know how not to be right now.”  It’s been a tough week for me emotionally and so today’s prompt has been a hard one.  The concept of forgiveness has sat with me all day- I thought about while doing planks at bootcamp; I contemplated it while trying on clothes at Kohl’s; I reflected about it while driving and walking the dog; it was even on my mind while I was hanging out with friends.

The idea is there and today I planted a seed, as the prompt says.  Someday, I’ll be able to welcome it and be the person I want to be.  In the meantime, I decided to work on forgiving myself.

Today we were invited over to carve pumpkins with friends.  I decided I wanted to go but wasn’t going to carve a pumpkin.  I’d go for the company alone.  I have no inclination to celebrate holidays this year- a bit out of protest.  They shouldn’t exist if my baby couldn’t be here to enjoy them.  I certainly shouldn’t enjoy them if Mabel can’t.

As pumpkin carving time approached, I let that word forgiveness seep in a bit and decided I could, if nothing else, forgive myself.  I could allow myself to celebrate a little tonight.  So I did.


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A Blood Draw Forgiveness

I had my blood drawn today.

I walked into my usual draw station and was met by a new face. My usual guy wasn’t there. A seemingly pleasant lady was checking someone else in and so I patiently waited my turn. When my turn came, she checked and double-checked my name and I was impressed that she found a typo. She was almost apologetic, calling herself “anal.” I complimented her, saying that she was thorough.

After she found my vein and made an easy time of collecting the tubes of blood, I asked her if we could double check the tests ordered. Some of them were time sensitive and I guess I just wanted to make sure.

We looked at the computer screen together and realized there was a whole other set of bloodwork- the most important time sensitive tests- that she had missed. She was mortified. I was just relieved that I followed my instinct and double-checked. I sat down for her to poke me again and my veins were less than forthcoming this time. She had to stick me twice, on top of the earlier draw.

I could see the embarrassment and frustration she felt at having missed the other tests and then having missed the vein, all after having a conversation with me about thoroughness. I felt bad for her. Things happen. Mistakes are made. This one was caught and so no harm done. I know some people would be annoyed that they got stuck a few extra times and were there for an extra thirty minutes. I was just satisfied that everything that was supposed to be done, got done. I like to think that in the “before” (the “before my baby died”) I would have been more annoyed and it is only in the “after” that I have developed a sense of what really matters. I’m not sure if that’s totally true. I think I would have been forgiving in the “before.” But now in the “after,” I really appreciate why I am forgiving. My baby died. Getting poked a few extra times is nothing in comparison to that. I wanted to tell her that. In the short time I was with this woman, I felt like I could tell that she would be the type to be kicking herself over and over again through the day for what happened. I’m usually that kind of person myself. I wanted to tell her, “Really, it’s no big deal. Everything got done. I’m not disappointed- I know what real disappointment is and this is chump change!”