In other news…

*sensitive*

I have other news. Based on my sensitivity warning, I’m sure some of you may have guessed it.

I’m expecting.

In a way I feel I’ve been living a lie not going public on the blog until now. But I have been hesitant for two reasons:

1. I want this blog to be about Mabel. I’m learning that this pregnancy is about Mabel too, so much about Mabel, so the two overlap and it’s hard to keep them separate.
2. I know there are many other babyloss moms who read and follow, who may want another child, who may be trying and not pregnant yet, who may not be able to for medical or emotional reasons, who are looking for a pregnancy-free and baby-free place to connect about their own losses. While I was trying to conceive, I saw other babyloss blogs morph into pregnancy after loss blogs and I couldn’t follow anymore. It was too painful (I know for some it may be inspiring- but for me it was hard). I would hate to cause anyone else pain. So I’ve hidden.

But I need to come out- it’ll help me return to blogging (I hope! So much more limited time with the new job and all). I can be more honest in my writing and not protective of my words. And importantly, I’m still working on bonding with this baby, recognizing that this pregnancy is real and different, that I might actually get a take home baby. Announcing it in some way is a step in that process.

At this point I don’t intend on making this a pregnancy after loss blog. Right now all my remarkable moments involve Mabel and I want to continue to write about her, for her. I may mention this pregnancy but right now only in relation to how it keeps Mabel into my life. I realize this may change over time too- and I will give warning if I need to write more about this one. For the meantime, here are some stats some of you may want to know:

 

Due date: mid July

Currently: 30 weeks.

Testing: we chose non invasive genetic testing which was “normal”

Gender: another surprise

Baby nickname: the pea

How do I feel: grateful and fortunate. Physically, tired and some pelvic pain, like with Mabel, but nothing I can’t handle. In fact, I love all the symptoms because they make it real.

So please bear with me as I navigate this blogging world, trying to be sensitive but also real.

Mabel goes to the beach

Being new to blogging, I’m still learning the etiquette of the inter-blog world. I’ve been following Baby Boy Blue’s blog for the past few months. I had been drawn to reading it because she was about my age, had similar views and a month ahead of me in the grieving process. She had a neonatal loss like me, though under very different circumstances. I knew from reading that she lived in Chicago and one day posted something about having family in Connecticut. So I took a chance and wrote my first blogger to blogger email.

 

I hope it’s not creepy that I’m contacting you like this.  I just have really been comforted by reading your blog.  So many times I’ve read some of your words and just thought YES!  you’re reading my mind.  

 and then last night you and your partner were totally in my dream- I know it’s weird, I have no idea what you guys look like, but apparently my mind just makes it up.  I’m a very vivid dreamer.  and in the dream you were doing a walk.  like how you wrote about today- the march of dimes.  weird weird coincidence. 

 and then I realized to day while reading, you live in the chicago area and have family in the new haven area.  I live in the new haven area and have family in the chicago area.  if ever we be in the same place at the same time, maybe we can meet in person and I wont have dreams making up what you look like. 

 I promise I’m not usually such a weird weirdo.  I dont know how to make blog friends and so maybe I’m just breaking all the etiquette rules.  just wanted to say hi and keep writing!

 

I was so nervous writing it, looking like a creeper. But the risk paid off. We have blossomed into great pen pals! And then she was making a trip back to her home town- the same town I used to live in just a year ago. Sadly, she arrived the day after I left for my family trip, so we just missed each other. She emailed me saying she was eating at my favorite local ice cream place there and I told her I eaten there too, but twenty-four hours before!

When I got home from the trip she sent me an email checking in and sent theses photos.

Her son Ander and my Mabel were cavorting on the local beach there together.

Some people are just so cool.