My birthday was last week. I turned 35.
I used to be all about birthdays. As someone who chose a career that plays such an integral part in birth-days, and who even started a non profit centered around birthday celebrations, I can say I really did find people’s birthdays very meaningful. It was the one day of the year, where we exclusively celebrate someone’s life- we show our delight and appreciation that this person is in our life and has lived another year. Sure, we should be doing this throughout the year (kind of like Valentine’s Day- we should be celebrating our loved ones every day, not just on the commercial day), but there is some fun in make a big hoopla about someone on their birthday.
Last year I celebrated my birthday in the hospital. It was still a joyous time. I still had some hope- the reality of a dead baby hadn’t hit yet. After Mabel died, I pretty much stopped with the birthday hoopla. My birthday non profit went on hiatus (for other reasons as well). I stopped doing call- being such an intimate part of a baby’s birth-day. I stopped posting cute facebook messages on people’s birthdays. In fact, I barely recognized anyone’s birthday. And for those reading, who did not get the usual birthday love from me this year, I am sorry. I thought of you but could not write the words. The celebration has been sucked out of me.
So this year, my first birthday since Mabel died, I wasn’t particularly excited for my birthday. I wasn’t dreading it- it just simply seemed another day. Chris is away on business, which also took the kabash out of it. I filled the day with work and appointments and had a very nice dinner out with friends. But the reality is, my birthday came and went, seemingly uneventfully, and now I am one day closer to my daughter’s birthday (or death day?). Our birthdays being so close feels like my birthday will always be a reminder of what day is to come next. I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel like truly celebrating knowing what happened a little over week after my 34th birthday.
But it’s ok. Because it’s really just another day.
How have your birthdays been since your loss?