On New Year’s day I sat on my couch, scrolling through my old facebook posts. I was looking for my New Years post from the previous year as a comparison to how I felt this year. A year ago I thought I had been through the biggest rollercoaster of my life- finding out I was pregnant, learning about Mabel’s Down Syndrome, embracing and preparing to raise a child with special needs and then learning my baby’s birth defects might not be compatible with life. It was, at the time, the worst year of my life. I was unsure how 2014 would turn out and low and behold it turned out to be worse. Some beautiful moments- the birth of my daughter followed by the darkest, her death and the grieving that came with.
In my scrolling, I came up across the posting about her birth and death. In reading the words I had written and gazing at the photos above them, I was struck by sadness. I couldn’t believe that it all had actually happened. That I actually had a baby. That she actually lived. That there was a moment when she had been placed, warm and goopy on my belly just seconds after birth. That she lay quite still on a warmer, struggling to breathe despite numerous tubes and interventions. That we actually had to tell the doctors that we were ready- ready to let her die. That she actually died. That we actually buried her.
Tears ran down my cheeks. Wanting to really let myself really feel the sadness, I then pulled up the video I had made:
I cried and I cried. I also cried because I realized how long it had been since I cried like that. I have just been so angry, there hasn’t been any room in me for sad. I know more sad is needed, but I can’t seem to force it. So how do I do it? How do I balance anger and sadness? How do you?