Baby’s First Christmas


I was walking in the drug store and my eyes caught this on display:

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I was sad.  It hurt to think that in another world I would be buying one of these for Mabel.  I also recognize, I am extremely fortunate to have many an ornament o hang for Mabel- many gifts that came and are still coming in her memory.

I was also reminded of a conversation my sister relayed to me.  She and my niece were unpacking Christmas decorations and my sister pulled out a stocking that said baby’s first Christmas.  My four year old niece declared that her little six month old brother would share it with Meghan’s baby.

My sister shared it with me with caution, knowing it might be painful- and it was in a way. It was painful in the way that Christmas is in general.  But it was also really quite sweet.  I was also impressed that she was able to realize at age four that this would have been Mabel’s first Christmas- something I worry that grown ups will forget because it has been ten months since her death.

Is this your baby’s first Christmas? Second? Third…?



16 thoughts on “Baby’s First Christmas

  1. It’s our son Gavin’s first Christmas in heaven. It’s been incredibly hard and my anxiety about next week has started. In so many ways I knew it would be a difficult week and so far thanksgiving had proved that our first Christmas without Gavin will be tough. I will keep you and Mabel in my thoughts this Christmas as we unfortunately will be spend the day without our children in a physical sense. Please know that Mabel is in your heart just as Gavin is in mine.

    • I can relate to your anxiety- I had so so much of it for thanksgiving. Luckily I’ve set some boundaries for christmas (having a quiet one at home) which has helped relieve some of my anxieties for this holiday. Not everyone has the luxury to be able to bow out of festivities, though. I hope you find some peaceful time as the day approaches and know I’ll be thinking of Gavin too!

  2. Hugs. It is our second Christmas without the twins, but should have been the first with them. And now it also is our first Christmas with Strawberry Baby. Emotions are complicated. I love that your niece remembers what should have been, and worry that many of our family members will forget, or think that a new baby erases all the pain. It seems to be hard to grasp that joy and pain coexist.

    • Second without the twins, though it would have been your first with them. What a crazy mindf*ck (pardon my french)- a weird double blow. I’m glad that Strawberry will be there with you to help welcome the holiday and add some tenderness to a time that has potential to be so hard. I can only imagine that worry of how family might forget, especially with a new baby!

  3. Since I was pregnant last year at Christmas, I consider this to be her second Christmas even though she is not with us here anymore. I feel like I am keeping my head down and am in survival mode. I hope the holidays pass quickly. 🙂

    • amen to that! let the holidays pass quickly. Last year christmas was a distraction- only two weeks after the low fluid diagnosis I was still reeling, not knowing what it meant- alternating between crying, numbness and holiday cheer. now I know what it all means and I”m lying low too!

    • I feel the same way. Last Christmas I was pregnant, and the season was full of baby showers and baby gifts. I even journaled about how it was our “first Christmas together”, my “first Christmas as a mother”. So, I feel like it’s my son’s second Christmas. And my first Christmas without him.

  4. My husband and I celebrated our son’s first Christmas last year, when he was still physically with us. We both knew it’d likely be the last one, too, but it helped acknowledge his existence. I still remember my husband kissing my belly on Christmas morning and declaring, “Baby’s first Christmas!” It was a bittersweet family memory.

    • that is so sweet! I’m so glad you have that adorable memory. Christmas was so soon after Mabel’s diagnosis that I wasnt able to get my head around it all and think that way. I’m glad Seraphim was able to enjoy his christmas.

  5. This is our first Christmas without Jacob. We found out we were having a boy last December 23rd and had a house full of guests to celebrate. This year we are not traveling for the holidays or having guests. We have a lot of anxiety surrounding the holidays this year. It’s helpful to read how others are finding ways to remember and honor their children. We did participate in the ornament exchange with another family through Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I hope that you have a peaceful holiday season and keep Mabel in your heart just like Jacob is in ours.

    • Oh that close memory of the joy of learning the gender followed by the quick holiday. arent you amazed how much has changed in a year? I certainly am! christmas marks the time. I love that you’re doing the ornament exchange- I hope you receive something lovely and enjoyed finding/making one for someone else. it’s a lovely way to honor them.

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