I’m overdue for a post, I know. Some weeks there are plentiful moments that grab and illustrate my grief and other weeks there are no new moments just the same old same old, repeating “my baby died” or she is not mentioned at all. For the most part this week was the latter, hence my absence from writing. But there have been a highlights to my week.
I gave a talk to the midwifery students at my local school of nursing. I felt GREAT afterwards. My only regret was time management. I was there with another babyloss mom who is the program director of our local babyloss bereavement nonprofit and the main goal of our session was to give the personal side of things- they were to have a lecture afterwards on the clinical side of babyloss. I, of course, was happy to share every detail about Mabel’s story- and I did, getting far more detailed than I usually do because these are students who understand what oligo means and pulmonary hypoplasia signifies. I talked and talked and talked and then was out of time- so just ran too briefly through all the notes regarding points I wanted to make on how to help bereaved parents. The best part, I think, was the handout I brought. I took all the comments you wrote and took quotes from them- labeling it “Advice from Baby Loss Moms.” Beside each quote I wrote who said it “mother of Sacha, who died of an unexpected brain tumor the day after birth” and “mother of Clara, carried to term after a Trisomy 18 diagnosis and born still at 36 weeks” and “mother of baby lost to miscarriage.” I took suggestions from everyone who commented and know that the students read your words and knew of your baby.
Being in the school and talking in front of the students made me feel very fulfilled. I was reminded how much I enjoy teaching and how much I have to teach. I think doing more of this will help me bring some satisfaction back to my job.
The rest of the week was relatively unremarkable- except for one day. I started off with a patient who knows Mabel’s story and has told her kids about her even. After a big hug and a quick but genuine cry, she gave me a gift from her oldest daughter. A pink carrot with Mabel’s name written in 4 year-old script.
The following two appointments were remarkable as well. One, another babyloss mom, whose first child was stillborn, is finally pregnant again after too long a struggle with infertility. I am constantly awed at how unfair the world can be sometimes. We embraced and each shed tears- I told her of all the times I thought of her son, including in May, when I was at a babyloss Mother’s Day event, where we lit candles for babies taken too soon. When it was my turn, I lit a candle and said it was for Mabel but also for the other babies I had cared for- for Giada, for Mia, for Noah, for Olivia…and name all that I could remember. It was a good visit. Following it was another patient who was newly pregnant after miscarriage. When I couldn’t find a heartbeat last time, we both cried. I was thrilled to see her back and back so soon.
I remember feeling this way with patients before my loss, but the emotions are so much stronger now. Part of me wonders if I could just have a practice with the babyloss, but that is not feasible. A nice idea, huh? A waiting room full of patients who know loss? In another world…
How was your week? Did you find fulfillment anywhere?