Day 29: Reflect

I not only posted my #CapturingYourGrief here on my blog, but I also posted on facebook- much shorter versions of what I wrote here.  It was fun trying to sum up each post in a few lines, but I also felt it was a little risky.  Here on my blog,the people who read are choosing to do so, for the most part- understanding that they are going to read a post about grief and babyloss.  When people friended me on facebook they didn’t necessarily sign up for a daily post about babyloss.  I was terrified of being viewed as wah-wah- someone who is throwing herself a pity party, seeking for attention (babylossmamma wrote about it well here).  But I also wanted to take advantage of this month and use it as a time to educate my family, my friends and my coworkers what babyloss looks like.  Yes, it’s been 8 months, but I’m still sad. Sad in new and different ways, sad in ugly ways, sad in ways I”m not particularly proud of.

I also felt vulnerable, posting all these inner feelings- what if no one liked them, what if no one commented.  How many “likes” would I need to feel heard?  If the likes died off as the month progressed was I turning into the wah-wah I feared I’d become?

I’m glad I have posted more publicly on facebook.  I got the support I needed- I had people reach out to me, when perhaps they wouldn’t have otherwise.  I knew people were reading because they’d pick up on little things, like correcting me, commenting “you ARE a mom” when I used “was” in my post.  And as I had brunch with a nurse colleague from the hospital today, she congratulated me on my posts and the good work they were doing in educating our peers.  I was once a midwife quite unfamiliar with the grief of babyloss and would have been thankful to be so informed; my hope is my friends, those in the field, can take what I’ve shared and help guide them in caring for others who have suffered babyloss.

And had I not shared on facebook, I wouldn’t have had brunch today with said friend and would not have received these gifts (at least not today..perhaps some other day). I am thankful for that.

photo (38)

8 thoughts on “Day 29: Reflect

  1. You have helped educate so many people who will be confronted with loss either through their daily lives or through their work in healthcare (how many passive readers saw that “you ARE a mom”, who otherwise would have no idea that that is such an important thing to say to someone? Several, I would wager!). There’s always the “unfollow” button for those who truly don’t want to see it. I’m so glad that being brave enough to share your experience led to such a positive outcome.

  2. Social media van be incredible to educate. I never shared so much of myself before Hugo, but feel it’s so important to give people an insight in to our world. As well as raising awareness, like you I’ve also received so much support through sharing my feelings, it’s been invaluable. What a lovely gift in Mabel’s honour, too x

    • yes- many people have given up on social media because it can be too painful after babyloss and I too have my moments. though since I”ve always been a pretty good social media user, I’m trying to embrace it, make it a positive experience and one more welcoming to the babylost. WHy should we have to give up one more thing? I’m taking it back! (and I’m happy to see you do too!)

  3. I’ve shared a few things on facebook. I wrote notes that I poured my heart and soul into. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Of course, one of the other scariest things I’ve ever done was invite this cute guy over to go swiming. I married him. So I know sometimes doing something really scary has a really great payoff. But I digress. Back to the facebook sharing, I’ve experienced both good and bad reactions.

    I’ll share the bad first. I know of at least two instances when someone newly expecting unfriended me. That hurt really bad. I like to think they thought they were doing me a favor. I hope that they didn’t want to add more sono and/or new baby pictures to my newsfeed. Of course, what they really did was make me feel even more isolated. I think their hearts were probably in the right place, though. It’s also possible that they did not want to read my loss stories while pregnant. I probably made them feel sad/guilty/anxoius at a time when all they wanted to feel was joy. My head understands that, but my heart is not so logical, so these incidents were painful for me.

    Now for the good (and the good is really good). I have had so many wonderfully supportive comments left on my notes. Sometimes I go back and read them when I’m feeling low. As much as I try to take care of everyone else, I’m not very good at telling people when I need help. I know you understand that. It’s nice to have caring words to re-read at those times. People call me things I don’t always feel, like strong, and brave. I need that sometimes. An old coworker left a comment about how bleeping unfair my situation was, and that nobody would blame me for being mad at the world. I definitely needed that. My best friend from college (whom I don’t see or talk to as often as we both would like), left a long heartfelt comment about how she always reads my posts, even though she knows they will leave her heartbroken and in tears, because she knows the discomfort she feels thinking about me is only a fraction of the discomfort I feel being me. She ended it by saying she would never forget me children. Wow! Boy, did I ever need that. She gets it. Finally, a friend I’ve known my whole life always comments simply, “I love you.” I need that most of all.

    All in all, I’d say the good has far outweighed the bad. I don’t regret sharing my thoughts on facebook. It’s still scary everytime I do it though. I don’t know if that will ever go away. Wow, I didn’t mean to leave a book in your comments. I’m glad you share too, by the way, and really glad I found you.

    • first, I love reading the comments that are like books! I love when people tell me stories here. write on!

      ANd yes, I feel the same way, with the good outweighing the bad. It angers me that people unfriended you (dont they know they can just unfollow! that’s what I do for the newly expecting!) but yes, I can see how that hurts. And I too love all the good- and sometimes surprising comments. The most recent one was actually a private message through fb- someone who said they look forward to my daily grief posts this month and would be sad when it ended. it was a perfect little note, one from anther healthcare proviser who said she was learning so much, and was so needed! its worth if for comments like those!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s