I not only posted my #CapturingYourGrief here on my blog, but I also posted on facebook- much shorter versions of what I wrote here. It was fun trying to sum up each post in a few lines, but I also felt it was a little risky. Here on my blog,the people who read are choosing to do so, for the most part- understanding that they are going to read a post about grief and babyloss. When people friended me on facebook they didn’t necessarily sign up for a daily post about babyloss. I was terrified of being viewed as wah-wah- someone who is throwing herself a pity party, seeking for attention (babylossmamma wrote about it well here). But I also wanted to take advantage of this month and use it as a time to educate my family, my friends and my coworkers what babyloss looks like. Yes, it’s been 8 months, but I’m still sad. Sad in new and different ways, sad in ugly ways, sad in ways I”m not particularly proud of.
I also felt vulnerable, posting all these inner feelings- what if no one liked them, what if no one commented. How many “likes” would I need to feel heard? If the likes died off as the month progressed was I turning into the wah-wah I feared I’d become?
I’m glad I have posted more publicly on facebook. I got the support I needed- I had people reach out to me, when perhaps they wouldn’t have otherwise. I knew people were reading because they’d pick up on little things, like correcting me, commenting “you ARE a mom” when I used “was” in my post. And as I had brunch with a nurse colleague from the hospital today, she congratulated me on my posts and the good work they were doing in educating our peers. I was once a midwife quite unfamiliar with the grief of babyloss and would have been thankful to be so informed; my hope is my friends, those in the field, can take what I’ve shared and help guide them in caring for others who have suffered babyloss.
And had I not shared on facebook, I wouldn’t have had brunch today with said friend and would not have received these gifts (at least not today..perhaps some other day). I am thankful for that.