I have a lot of forgiveness to dole out. I have been angry at people, felt hurt by people and been angry at myself and hurt myself. I need to soften my heart and let the forgiveness seep in.
But I’m not ready.
Tonight I cried to Chris in the car, “I don’t like being angry. I just don’t know how not to be right now.” It’s been a tough week for me emotionally and so today’s prompt has been a hard one. The concept of forgiveness has sat with me all day- I thought about while doing planks at bootcamp; I contemplated it while trying on clothes at Kohl’s; I reflected about it while driving and walking the dog; it was even on my mind while I was hanging out with friends.
The idea is there and today I planted a seed, as the prompt says. Someday, I’ll be able to welcome it and be the person I want to be. In the meantime, I decided to work on forgiving myself.
Today we were invited over to carve pumpkins with friends. I decided I wanted to go but wasn’t going to carve a pumpkin. I’d go for the company alone. I have no inclination to celebrate holidays this year- a bit out of protest. They shouldn’t exist if my baby couldn’t be here to enjoy them. I certainly shouldn’t enjoy them if Mabel can’t.
As pumpkin carving time approached, I let that word forgiveness seep in a bit and decided I could, if nothing else, forgive myself. I could allow myself to celebrate a little tonight. So I did.