Day 21: Relationships

Dear new baby loss friends: I do not know what I would have done never having met you. The ones who comment on my blog, the ones reading, the ones who show up in support group, the ones I email almost daily. How would I have survived if you weren’t here in the muddy trenches with me? I’m sorry you are here, but I’m grateful if we both had to be here, we could be here together.

Dear new non baby loss friends: Wow, you have surprised me in the most kind way. Some of you are new- reading and supporting me through this blog. Some of you are old acquaintances who have reached out and been an unexpected but totally welcome bit of support.

Dear friends and family who have stuck around: Thank you for not giving up on me. I know I am not easy to be with, not as fun or engaging. I know you sometimes are at a loss for what to do or say, and that’s ok. The fact that you are still here with me is all I need.

Dear friends and family who have dropped off. I’m mad at you. I feel abandoned despite my pleas to you to keep pushing me. I know I’m not easy, but I had higher hopes. I still hope you will find your way back to me. I’m sorry I can’t be the one to reach out. I need you, but my feelings are hurt.

Dear toxic people in my life: good riddance. Burying my child has given me the liberty and confidence to eliminate you and surround myself with only kind, compassionate support.

Dear Mabel: I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here.


photo taken while with some acquaintances who delved into my troubles with me and came out as friends

photo taken while with some acquaintances who delved into my troubles with me and came out as friends


18 thoughts on “Day 21: Relationships

  1. Hi Meghan! The last paragraph moved me to tears. Not because my name’s on it, but because it’s exactly the words going through my mind lately, always. Very simple & “common” statements we hear & read everywhere but for a babyloss mom means so much deeper. Every word just full of emotions. Well ever since I lost my baby, some things very normal & common are just not normal & common anymore – like seeing babies/toddlers/newborns, seeing carrots (I think of you & Chris & Mabel every time). Little things that now mean big things that only baby loss mothers understand.
    In relation to this post, I would also like to thank you for writing this blog. It has helped me in a big way esp. on those first few weeks & months. I’ll be 5 months old in this baby loss world next week. There are other blogs about baby loss but yours just stuck on me. Maybe partly because I love your baby’s name & that I find we have some things in common like purple as our favorite color. Thank you Meghan!
    & can I just say..
    Dear Rheice: I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here. So badly…

    • It’s what I say to Mabel every time I visit her grave.

      Thank you for your kind words. writing this blog- and all the commenting- has been such a lifeline. My heart skips whenever I see a new comment.

      I doubt its any consolation, but I find some beauty in the fact that Mabel and Rheice are together in whatever sort of afterlife (if at all) there may be. Granted, its my Mabel and not you that is with her, but she must be reminded of her mom everytime she’s with my mabel.

  2. This is beautiful. During my first miscarriage I experienced a lot of all of that. Some of my closest friends dropped off and didn’t even comment on my loss, which made me realize they probably aren’t good friends anyway. But one of my now best friends was just an acquaintance at the time and came out of nowhere looking to help me. She was the only person who actually showed me how much she cared. And now she is so close to me, that she was my doula at my son’s birth (I’m not sure if you remember, but she was there!). So while I’m still so saddened by that loss, I am SO grateful for the friendship that came out of it. She is one of the best gifts I could’ve ever received, I love her so much! I think it’s amazing how in times of sorrow, we can find such joy in people or places that we didn’t even realize.

    • it is amazing to see how people react through it all. I know the ones who drop off usually do so because they don’t know what to do, but it still hurts nonetheless. I think it hurts that they don’t come back around later. It is also amazing who steps up- the people you don’t know well at all, who become such good friends. If you have to go through loss, I’m glad you found a new supportive friend to walk with you.

  3. I so can relate to the paragraph to friends and family who have dropped off. I too so wish I could send that to my friends and family who have dropped off, but I know they still would not know how to be here for me and just hinder the healing process.

    I wish Mabel was here as well. She would have been such an awesome little girl that inspired many people, just like her mom and dad.

  4. Dear Mabel: I wish you were here. But, I’m really glad you and Ander are looking out for each other in heaven. I see you all around me nearly every day, and that’s how I know that your mama and I were meant to be friends. I’ve met a lot of babyloss mamas in this community, and I remember a lot of babies, but you are special. It’s funny; there’s a lot about heaven I’m not sure about, but somehow, I just know that you and Ander are best buddies. I picture you together all the time, and I’m not sure why that is, which is why I believe it to be true. I hope I get to meet your mom in real life someday, because she’s a pretty cool lady and we have some freakishly weird coincidental things in common. I sometimes think I don’t believe in “signs” anymore, but we both know that’s a lie.

    • It’s a very windy day here today- and yesterday. If it weren’t so rainy, it would be excellent kite flying weather. I thought rabbits would remind me of your little thumper, but I think its the wind! (me and the signs I don’t think I believe in too!)

  5. Hi there,
    I am not sure how I found your blog, but I want to let you know I am reading. I had a pretty intense pregnancy with lots of potential concerns about my baby and your writing really speaks to me. Thank you for sharing your girl with me, she is quite lovely.

  6. Sorry… Your softness, your sorrow, your struggles, your truth. Thank you for bringing us into your heart. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for choosing us to walk your path with you. Dear Mabel, you are so very special…

  7. Meghan- I am still reading, still thinking about you and Mabel regularly. While I have a hard time using the term “finding the positive” in a loss so profound, in general I think that part of going through a tragedy or all-encompassing, life-changing event is that your relationships get re-ordered. There’s only so much time and energy in life, and a horrible loss like this tends to show you who the people are in your life who will be there for/with you through thick and thin, and who make your life fuller. Other people, who may have seemed more important in your “former life” fall off and that can be sad, but it also makes more room for much fuller, deeper, more meaningful relationships. May part of Mabel’s legacy be leaving you with a community full of love and richness. Sending strength to you and your family.

    • thank you. I too have tourble with “finding the positive” but I understand your sentiments! some of my newly close friends I think would recognize that I would given them all up to have my daughter back and that’s why they are awesome. they wish that too. 🙂

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