A lunatic’s anger

Today I am angry. And jealous. But mostly angry.

I am angry at hearing the news that friends of ours are pregnant. Angry that they get to announce their pregnancy without fear or secrets. Angry that they have other kids. Angry that, by all appearances , they got pregnant easily. Angry that as their family grows, mine seems to stay the same- me, my husband and our dead daughter. Angry that their announcement is joyful and not full of trepidation, knowing all the awful that could happen, having seen what happened to me.

I know the more appropriate word would be jealous- I am envious of all these things. But I don’t particularly feel jealous. I really just feel angry.

I’m angry that by announcing their pregnancy they have shut me out. In truth, it is me who will be shutting them out. This is what I do- I avoid my pregnant friends and those with babies, mostly because I can not bear having my feelings of jealousy and pain be witnessed. I am angry that they are choosing pregnancy over my friendship.

These are the crazy, irrational emotions of a lunatic. What kind of miserable, venomous person could think this way? This anger is unfounded and unfair. This anger is wrong.

It lives in me and I am ashamed. Ashamed and angry.

This is my grief talking. I wouldn’t be angry if my daughter had not died.

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24 thoughts on “A lunatic’s anger

  1. Thank you for sharing honest words. You are not a lunatic – your words are just real. I understand and share your anger. A lot of days I feel like if anyone could hear my thoughts – they would be beyond concerned. We are angry that our Jacob died and (we don’t share the detail with others often) that he was an IVF baby and the long road it took to get pregnant with him.

    • Thabk you. It feels good to get the words our, to shout my feelings over the internet. I feel like a lunatic, but thats because im just a bit ashamed i feel this way.

      I feel like its an especially cruel thing to lose a baby after fertility treatments! What a terrible joke the wirkd has played. 😦

      Thank you for letting me know im not alone.

  2. Don’t be ashamed. Meghan, you do such an incredible job of holding it together for your job (with mommies and babies!), how could you even think to expect yourself to be able to be further smothered with them outside of work? All of your emotions are valid. One fellow (twice) bereaved mama put it to me this way when I talked about not being able to relate to others after the losses of my boys… something like “oh, forgive me. you’ll have to excuse me while I polish the headstones of my 2 dead children.” It is no simple thing to feel happy or even hopeful for friends (and their continued full expectations for their own children) when your child lies in a cemetery or urn.

    And no, you would NOT feel this way if Mabel were here. If you didn’t know this devastating and permanent loss. I’m sorry, hon.

    • bahahahah! that line is great! (great in the awfulness of it, of course) it’s just so right on. it’s a crummy feeling not to be able to experience joy for other people, especially joy around something I wanted and lost.

  3. It is so brave of you to admit this to yourself and on your blog. There is nothing crazy about these feelings. Most people would have the same reaction, but instead of being true as you are they would be passive aggresive a-holes in their attempts to deny or suppress their true feelings. Thank you for not being afraid of who you are. You are still a good friend by knowing your comfort level as I would hope your friends would understand.

    • thank you. I feel a little nervous admitting this- I don’t think they read the blog, but even if they did, these are my feelings. I hate that I have them, but they are there- and recognizing and accepting them is a step in the right direction. if they read, they could also read that pretty much everyone else in the community has feelings like I do. At least I’m not alone- I’m “normal” in the babyloss world!

  4. If you’re a lunatic, Meghan, so am I! Those are all feelings I experience often. There is nothing to be ashamed of. They are natural feelings. Try not to be too hard on yourself – there are so many other things to deal with after losing Mabel. I am so different after losing Hugo – I never used to be this angry. Your real friends will understand.

    • thank you Leigh- Its so difficult not to be hard on myself. this isn’t the type of person I was- isn’t the type of person I want to be. My hope is I’m not always going to be like this (though sometimes it feels that way!)

  5. I feel the same way… so if you are lunatic you are in good company. When it’s a patient or someone I don’t know well telling me about a new pregnancy, I get sad. When it’s someone close to me, I get angry and sad. I found myself yelling the other day “can everybody just keep your pants on and stop getting knocked up until I’m emotionally recovered from my daughter’s death?!?!” Of course nobody was listening but the dog, but the yelling felt good.

    • I love it! honestly me too- just keep your pants on! if I admit some of my even realer feelings- I think I deserve to be pregnant more than others. I have been trying longer (I have been trying to take a baby home since I started trying with Mabel- nearing two years now) AND I was willing to accept a special needs, medically complicated baby. plus I’m older! I know it’s not right, but I wish out of courtesy everyone would wait until I’m ready to either deal with their pregnancies (or pregnant myself- though I’m not sure that would totally fix my feelings either)

      • Ufff re: deserving a child… I hear people every day talk about losing custody of their children (to the court or another family member), visitation with their children, struggles to regain custody… I used to be very empathetic in those situations. Now, often all I can think about is how unfair it is that I did nothing wrong to anyone, and still there’s no option for me to have visitation or to work towards regaining custody.

      • oh god, yes! the people who admit to me about drug use in pregnancy, who then get all flustered worried about DCF involvement. I mean come on! Get your act together! when I did it all right and didnt even have the privilege for someone to evaluate my child’s safety with me- she was just simply taken forever.

  6. You deserve to be angry. You have every right to be angry. You did not deserve for this to happen to you and Mabel did not deserve for this to happen to her.

    I don’t post much about my anger because I’m worried that people involved will see it. But maybe I should. Maybe it’s better to just lay it out there honestly.

    • it feels very risky to do so. I think it might worry my husband- some things I say can be inciting. But I’ve decided this blog is for me- many of my friends don’t read it, at that’s ok. I don’t name names. and let me tell you, it feels good not only to get it out, but also to have all the responses that let me know I’m not crazy. but yes, it can be risky to be so honest.

      • I’m still struggling with returning to work full-time, partially because of anger about how poorly my son’s care was handled… it’s just such a struggle to have to act professionally while I’m constantly facing that. It’s hard for me to even acknowledge those feelings but I know I need to find an honest outlet for them somehow, if I’m going to be able to go back. Knowing that you are angry too — and seeing everyone else’s comments! — is helping me to move towards acknowledging and accepting my own feelings. Little steps. Thank you!

      • yes- that struggle to act professionally! Here I allow myself to act less professionally (though still with some restraint, for obvious reasons). everyone’s comments have helped me too!

  7. there is no shame in being angry. We are entitled to our feelings and emotions, whatever we feel is true to ours. I have those moments but I try to tell myself that is it is OK to be angry but I do not want to have anger to control me.

  8. Anger is what drove me to therapy. I’d been in group therapy for a while, but anger was what made me feel the need individual therapy. Sadness I could handle, but I didn’t know what to do with anger. I was frightened by how angry I was, and I hated feeling that way. My very insightful husband helped me by pointing out that anger does not come easily to me, so it was no wonder I didn’t know what to do with it. I’m still angry, but I’m not frightened of it anymore. It’s knid of funny, because I went to therapy to learn coping mechanisms for anger, but found just talking helped me. I’ll reiterate what many others have said. It is okay to be angry. Come sit by me! We can be angry together.

    • I’m working on my anger with my therapist too. Your words are so powerful for me right now- they echo my own feelings. I’m frightened by the anger too. I like what your husband said- about anger not coming easily too you. that was me (at least in the before). talking (and writing- which is “talking online” to you guys here) helps me too.

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