Day 20: Breathe

“Step outside today and find a spot to sit or lay down on the ground. Switch off for a few minutes. Stare into the clouds and sky and notice your surroundings,” the prompt says today.  I left the house at 6am- it was dark.  I returned at 6:30p- it was dark.  There was no laying outside and remembering to breathe.

I breathed as I did sumo squat jumps and burpee after burpee at bootcamp.  I breathed as I found myself angry at something I saw on facebook- something that did not deserve my anger but received it in my mind anyways… because I’m not always in control of my feelings, justified or not.  I breathed as a a patient joked to me about wanting her tubes tied because her uterus worked too well- she’d be happy to donate it to someone!  I breathed when a coworker commented on how cute my new baby is- my puppy baby, that is, not my dead baby.  I breathed as an old friend reconnected with me and told me about the loss of her first child, something I had not known.

I took many breaths today, none of which were outside lying on the ground, staring at the sky.  But I breathed… as best I could throughout the small trials of my day.  And when it came to an end, after dinner was made and eaten, after the puppy peed on the floor, after lunch was packed for the next day, I finally did what the prompt wanted. I sat on the floor and lived in the moment.  The puppy came and plopped herself down on my lap and the light, warm weight of her body soothed me for a moment.  She weighs 7.8 lbs, roughly the size of a newborn.  She jumped from 4lbs to almost 8lbs in between vet visits, so I missed that magic 5lb 5oz, the weight of my daughter.  Perhaps it’s for the best, because as comforting as the Muppet puppy is, she is not my baby girl.  I will take her, though, for now, as a simple reminder to sit on the floor and breathe.

I’m not the only one who found breath and gratitude in their furry friends.  Seems a theme among the babylost.

#CaptureYourGrief

photo 2 (26) photo 1 (28)

 

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