Small moment of jealousy

“Oh hey!” I could hear my assistant greet my next patient. “You’re doing it again? How’s the baby?”

They were all smiles and celebrations.

“Great- he’s in the other room! How’s yours?”

The niceties were genuine and went back and forth for a few minutes. The patient and my assistant had been pregnant at the same time and so their faces were pleasant reminders of each other’s pregnancies.

I easedropped until I couldn’t take it anymore. I yearned to be in one of their shoes for just a moment. Sure, they each have their own struggles, but at that moment I was deaf to them.  All I could think of is not only did I lose my child, but I lost out on all the things that follow- the big and the little.   Oh, to be able to have a simple moment like that, remembering my pregnancy fondly with someone else and talking giddily over my living child.

Perhaps someday…

Do you have small moments of jealousy? What do you yearn for?

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12 thoughts on “Small moment of jealousy

  1. I have those moments a lot but recently I noticed a change in my thinking. I am able to separate myself from others. I no longer feel sorry and very sad about other people’s fortunate events, like having a healthy baby. I learned to disassociate my unfortunate event from theirs. This is not to say that these two do not clash with each other from time to time….

  2. I think the small things are what I miss and envy the most. I am a mom and know that I am a mom, but instead of being treated like one I find myself being tiptoed around, or worse, people talk about their babies right in front of me without acknowledging me as a mom too. All I want to do is join in on the conversation, but at the same time I want to run and hide. I hope that one day it will hurt less.

  3. NPR is my listening pleasure on my one-hour commute. Today there were numerous reports on Google’s offer to include the expense of egg-freezing for female emloyees in their benefits packages. The interviews went on and on about babies and I finally had to shut if off as I grew so very sad. At 44 my time has passed (as have both my babies) even for egg freezing. Oh, if only I were 25 again. I would do things differently. Maybe. When I got on the train, a pregnant woman got on at the first stop and sat across from me until I got off some 40 minutes later. It was torture. I kept staring at her protruding belly. I convinced myself she was just chubby. I was definitely envious. I suspect that won’t change for a while.

    • yes! I’ve been seeing that article on my newsfeed (i follow NPR on facebook). and I saw a recent headline (I couldnt bring myself to read) about how millenials are doing things backwards- having babies before marriage. I was so caught up on doing things the “right” way and terrified of having a baby out of wedlock (hah! now I think waaaaay differently). If I could have foreseen the future! I’m sorry you had to be tortured on the train like that. she probably was just chubby! (we can pretend at least)

  4. hmmm… that slice of “normalcy” that’s not ours.

    I sat listening to my co-workers breast pump for their babies today, mindlessly talking about the sleeping habits of their babies. I wanted to tell them that the sound of the breast pump reminded me of breast pumping for my dying baby in the NICU wondering if my baby would even live to consume the breast milk I was producing. I figured that wouldn’t go over too well, so I sat quietly pretending to work.

    I yearn for Thomas to be here. I yearn for Mabel and all of babies to be here.

    • ugh- yes- wanting to jump into a simple conversation about pumping. so simple for them to talk about, not so simple for us. I can barely stand conversations about breastfeeding because all I experienced was the uncomfortable engorgement, with no relief. I’m so sad I didnt get to breastfeed. It’s so hard to bite our tongues in those situations. I feel like I’ve learned my lessons in the couple times I have joined in and it didnt go well.

  5. Oh my goodness, I feel jealousy Every. Single. Day. How jealous I feel and how long it lasts can depend on my state of mind that day, but I think jealousy about a healthy baby after babyloss is natural. I just have to be careful it doesn’t eat me up xx

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