First wedding anniversary: paper. I got chris several funny cards, a board game and magazine subscription. Chris framed the words of my wedding march “Here comes the sun” by the Beatles and gave me a purple journal. The first things I wrote in that journal were all the fears I had for my baby.
Would she look funny?
Would I love her?
Would my parents love her as much as their other grandchildren?
Would she be high functioning?
We knew at that point that she had Down Syndrome and I understood the risk of loss that came with the diagnosis. I did not write “Would she die?” Even though I knew the numbers, it was still hard to believe that babies die, that my baby could actually die.
I didn’t wrote much more. I put it down and have not seen it since. I looked for it in the days after Mabel died- wanting to see what I wrote and wanting a portable journal, something to take on the go, because my computer (my true journal) was too bulky to schlep around. I never found that journal.