Day 5: Journal

First wedding anniversary: paper.  I got chris several funny cards, a board game and magazine subscription.  Chris framed the words of my wedding march “Here comes the sun” by the Beatles and gave me a purple journal.  The first things I wrote in that journal were all the fears I had for my baby.

Would she look funny?

Would I love her?

Would my parents love her as much as their other grandchildren?

Would she be high functioning?

We knew at that point that she had Down Syndrome and I understood the risk of loss that came with the diagnosis.  I did not write “Would she die?”  Even though I knew the numbers, it was still hard to believe that babies die, that my baby could actually die.

I didn’t wrote much more.  I put it down and have not seen it since.  I looked for it in the days after Mabel died- wanting to see what I wrote and wanting a portable journal, something to take on the go, because my computer (my true journal) was too bulky to schlep around.  I never found that journal.


(no photo)





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