Day 4: Now

Day 4: Now

Now…I hold puppies.  Before… I held babies.  Now, after my baby died.  Before, before my baby died.

My little pup is becoming my new world and a lifeline to the old world to which I belonged.  In The Before, I was very social and outgoing; I would talk to strangers easily.  In my Now, I’ve come a long way.  At first I was that pariah like lump sitting in the corner at social gatherings, ready to burst into tears at any minute.  Now I can socialize, being present in conversation, but I am far from the social butterfly I once was.  Muppet, however, is the socialite I once was.  Today, while at a cyclocross race, Muppet would walk up unabashedly to a group of people and stare up at them saying with her eyes “hi there! look at me!” So I was forced to interact with many more  people than I would have.  I practiced smiling and pleasantries with strangers, something I used to be good at.  Now… I hold puppies and am slowly re-entering the world I used to be so comfortable in.



Day 4: Now


10 thoughts on “Day 4: Now

  1. I am at the stage of welcoming some lifelines as well… now that my body is finally healthy and solid (and I finally trust that it will probably stay that way), sports are starting to become a lifeline — a way to be around people and be social, without needing to navigate a conversation!

    Have you seen the movie Rabbit Hole with Nicole Kidman? I just watched it yesterday… it’s about a couple 8 months after the sudden death of their 3 year old. I think it did a good job of capturing what “8 months after” can feel like (and because it’s about a couple, you get to see two “states of grief” instead of just one). If you’re looking for a grief-y movie, I would recommend it.

    • sports! good idea! chris and I met playing kickball and before that I played softball (not well). sports were a thing for me. and I can see how they can be a good lifeline. great idea.

      I have heard of the movie, but havent seen it yet. maybe now is a good time…being 8 months out, and all!

      • UGH, I went surfing this morning and a friend of a friend of a friend brought along their baby to join us at the beach! Surprise, just when I thought I’d found a baby-free activity!! I tried to hang in there and have a good time but in the end I couldn’t do it, I had to leave.

  2. Dogs have a talent for helping us engage with the world (and who wouldn’t want to say hello to the gorgeous Muppet?)…reentering the world is a slow process, be gentle with yourself xxx

  3. Every time you post a picture of Muppet I think she’s a teddy bear 🙂
    Depending on the situation, I was somewhat socially awkward before my loss, so to the outside it may not look like a major change. Except I’m sometimes screaming inside as I feel that nobody knows why I’m not particularly interested in random conversations.

    • Our little Muppet is totally a teddy bear! we get lots of “is she real?” and “she looks like a toy!”

      Its amazing how strong that inner voice can be, how loud the screams are!

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