Numbers by Mabel…

36+1 her chart reads. That gestational age has forever burnt a mark on my brain. The amount of time I was pregnant with Mabel. I want to tell her what a special time this is. Every day is a gift. Something I didn’t realize until I had no more days with Mabel on the inside.

March 11, March 21, March 1. Due dates for the new OB patients I am seeing. My voice catches as I say the dates out loud to the expectant women. Mabel was born in February but her entire pregnancy was centered around her due date- March 14. I know what it’s like to look forward to March, I want to tell them. If I knew what I know now, would I have looked forward to March in the same way?

Reports of normal nuchal translucencies litter my in basket. 1.9mm, 2.0mm. Oh, the relief in those numbers. This is normal, I want to tell them, this normalcy is a gift. I have a new appreciation for normal.

These numbers cross my path throughout the day. Mabel’s numbers. Mabel was here… is here…

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Numbers by Mabel…

  1. Ugh. It’s so hard to watch the conception window a year later go by. After reading An Exact Replica of a Figment of Imagination you feel like a panacea to this grief is having another child a year from the child you lost, but it doesn’t always work out that way for various reasons. It almost makes you feel like a double failure. But maybe it gives us more time to reconcile our grief, allow for more healing, and hopefully create a whole new due date for a new unique life that won’t be in as much of the shadow of what could have been. At least that’s what I tell myself to make me feel better 🙂 Forever in that hope trap…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s