Signed, Bitter

Dear Facebook, I understand that you use some fancy algorithm to recognize my interests and post ads relevant to me.  I wish there was some way for your fancy algorithm to recognize the term babyloss.  Maybe, then, instead of ads for diapers featuring healthy babies, you’ll show ads for baby caskets.

Dear Pinterest, I can see you got savvy like facebook and started putting random “related pins” in my feed.  So now I get to see random photos of nurseries even though I’ve unfollowed all my friend’s baby boards.  I cant “unfollow” these related pins.  Maybe your algorithm will figure out that I’ve been pinning resources for grief and bereavement and will start showing related pins that are actually useful, rather than painful reminders of what I don’t have.

Dear whatever mailing list I somehow got on, please stop sending me envelopes with babies on them.  There is no baby in this home.

photo 1 (10)

Stop presuming that everyone takes her baby home from the hospital.   Tell me where is the box that says “my baby spent her entire life in the NICU?”  What box do I check?  I didn’t want to take your dumb survey anyways

.photo 2 (7)


Dear world, i’m tired. Please give me a break.




17 thoughts on “Signed, Bitter

  1. LIkewise! I am SO SICK of seeing March of Dimes ads, because no matter how much I love March of Dimes (I do), all the ads are celebrating the lives of preemies who lived. Thanks so much, Facebook. I also got a bunch of surveys (which was partly my fault; I had signed up to participate in some studies. Married to a scientist and all that).

    • Years ago, I signed up for the Nurses Health Study- a huge study of women and health and take quarterly surveys for them. I remember I was excited about when I could check the box planning to conceive in the next year, the pregnant box. I got a followup survey after Mabel died and it only had a couple questions- the one i remember was “does the child live in the home?” or something like that. No, the child doesnt live in the home, because the child does not live. I felt like it needed an explanation because it might skew the results. but there was no space for explanations. sigh.

  2. Dear all pregnancy/mother related stores and groups I signed up for during my pregnancy,
    I wanted your information and deals when I was pregnant and expecting to bring my baby home. Now that I’m not either, I would like it if I didn’t have to unsubscribe multiple times and still receive your emails. Your emails remind me of my loss and make me sad. Please just take me off your damn list!
    Missing Max

  3. Precisely why I’ve never had a FB account. A constant stream of slaps in the face, both from family and friends and then also from “smart” advertising.

    It seems the entire hospital knew about my Zachary’s death because it was such an unexpected and sudden illness that took him. And yet, they failed to alert the postpartum phone callers, who called to see how I was doing with my new baby about 4 weeks after he was born (2 weeks after he died). When I sputtered out “well, I’m not doing so well. Zachary died.”, she was caught speechless. I still don’t understand what the real purpose of the call was since Zachary would have still been in the NICU. Alas, the string of shit on top of the shit-cake seems to never end.

    I’m sorry.

    • Oh man! you poor thing! I actually had a phone call two or three days after Mabel died. It was from the maternity social worker- who I KNOW. she was calling to followup on my stay on the maternal special care unit and was never given the info that my baby died. She at first didnt even realize she was calling me. She did call back a minute after getting off the phone, once she realized the situation (my baby’s life/death didnt actually come up in our brief conversation, weirdly) and apologized profusely at the lack of communication. I dont fault her for it, but i do fault the system. I mean, com on!

      ALso i refuse to give up some of my social media. I’m stubborn- but I use it much less now.

    • I know, I saw that. I almost wonder if I should write a letter detailing how when someone is already sad, messing with them in this way can have disastrous effects.

      • It’s pretty ridiculous that this sort of thing is even allowed in an age of anti-bullying. This sounds rather emotionally abusive if you ask me. Writing a letter is a start, but it’s incredible how complacent society can be until someone does get seriously hurt as a consequence. And even then people seem to hem and haw or worse yet justify. This information technology/social media is just uncharted territory that needs to be reigned in.

  4. I made a photo book of our baby for my mother for Mother’s Day. She never got to meet him, so she treasures it. About a month later, I got an e-mail from Shutterfly advertising products to me as a new parents so I could show off my baby, etc. I was annoyed and hit “delete,” hoping I wouldn’t have to suffer too many more of these. A few hours later, they actually sent me an APOLOGY e-mail, saying that they didn’t mean to send that to me and efforts were made to make sure it wouldn’t happen again.

    I was beyond surprised. They figured out I had made a baby book, and figured out that my baby had died and I would not want to be reminded like that. I respect them so much more for that.

    • wow! shutterfly will have my business. i am very impressed. i had something like that (but not as impressive) at CVS with a photobook I made. I had made several copies, there was a delay, they gave me a discount. but I could tell when I picked them up, the lady knew.

  5. I got that hateful lavender envelope from Gerber Life insurance as well. I’m pretty sure they got my info from Motherhood Maternity. I was only in there once to get candy to help with my horrible nausea, but once was enough for a year (and counting) of painful reminders of what should have been. I threw it in the trash without opening it. Kevin dug it back out to find contact information. He emailed Gerber, then tore the letter up into tiny pieces and threw it away again.

    • arent they just awful! I think that’s how I got signed up too, through Motherhood. When I made my first purchase and they asked for my email and everything I said to the woman- “what if I miscarry? what do you do then?” I was thinking of the high risk of miscarriage and loss that comes with Down Syndrome. SHe said “oh, yo just notify us and we take you off the list.” well wouldnt you know that when your baby dies or you miscarry, the last thing you want to do is call Motherhood? aright? I’m glad Kevin could do that for you. it’s totally painful!

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