As I have written before, some days are better than others. A couple weeks ago I had a good day and wrote this at the end of it. Today was neither good nor bad, it just was. On the bad days I need to be reminded of how I feel on the good days, but on those days there’s no way I can let hope sink in. So it’s today, on a day that simply was, I post this, to remind me that some days are actually good. Some days I have hope.
As we sit outside on our patio, we watch two little bunnies prance around our yard. Whenever I see two animals together, I joke that they’re married- a reference to the character, Milton, in the movie Office Space who mumbles about watching two squirrels in the tree that are married. Chris sees the bunnies and says, “I don’t think they’re married, though. I think they’re brother and sister.” We watch for many minutes as they essentially play chase. The slightly bigger and in my estimation older one hops quickly ahead and the smaller, younger one bounds after him. They figure eight all over our yard, at one point playing cat-and-mouse around an old stump on the grassy hill. We talk about them, laughing at their chase and talk to them. Their ears prick up, so they can hear us, but they don’t bounce away. I’m amazed at how near they come to us. It’s delightful to watch.
I smile as I think of a conversation I had earlier that day with a friend and fellow babyloss mom. We were talking about signs and hopes for future children. For her seeing two butterflies gave her hope. I remember in the beginning of my pregnancy, after Mabel’s Down Syndrome diagnosis, as I was running in our neighborhood, I consumed by thoughts of miscarriage and stillbirth. I was saying to myself over and over again, “stay baby stay,” willing the forming life inside me to stay put. Then I saw two deer in a neighbor’s yard. I’m not really one much for signs, but I remember thinking that it’s got to be a good sign. Seeing two deer- two. One for me and one for my baby. Staying together. A song that was giving me comfort at that time was the Indigo Girls’ Power of Two. Seeing the two deer gave me hope. And my baby did stay through my pregnancy.
Now as I sit, almost giggling at their antics, I hope the two bunnies are a sign. Siblings, like Chris said. We watch them move from a game of chase onto a game of hid and go seek. One bunny runs down the hill and a few seconds later the other comes looking. I try to tell the seeker that the hider is over there. I point and call to him. His ears pick up again and he looks at me. Then he hops over to the garden- Mabel’s garden- in pursuit of his sister. Bunnies like carrots.