I had a dream last night that I was about to birth Mabel. My midwife was there with one of the labor nurses. After she came out, they had me leave the room. We knew she was going to die. When I returned she was gone and they replaced her with another baby- a boy. I cried tears of pure happiness that I would be taking a baby home.
This dream has unsettled me. I have had only one other dream about Mabel not long after she died. In the dream she was alive and I held her in that white blanket we had wrapped her in and nursed her. That one was about what I missed about her. But this last one felt like it was about something else. I don’t want her to think that she can be replaced and I’m saddened to think my mind is working that idea out in my sleep. On the other hand, the joy I felt at the idea of being able to bring a baby home, was unreal. It’s almost too painful to think about. I think that joy is what has shaken me the most. What is it like to bring a baby home? To hold a baby in your arms as you leave the hospital?
As we visited her grave today, I was reclining back on the blanket we spread out. I read to her from one of my favorite childhood books and pictured her curled up asleep on my chest. What a painful joy it was.