A dream about Mabel

I had a dream last night that I was about to birth Mabel.   My midwife was there with one of the labor nurses.  After she came out, they had me leave the room.  We knew she was going to die.  When I returned she was gone and they replaced her with another baby- a boy.  I cried tears of pure happiness that I would be taking a baby home.

This dream has unsettled me.  I have had only one other dream about Mabel not long after she died.  In the dream she was alive and I held her in that white blanket we had wrapped her in and nursed her.  That one was about what I missed about her.  But this last one felt like it was about something else.  I don’t want her to think that she can be replaced and I’m saddened to think my mind is working that idea out in my sleep.  On the other hand, the joy I felt at the idea of being able to bring a baby home, was unreal.  It’s almost too painful to think about.  I think that joy is what has shaken me the most.  What is it like to bring a baby home?  To hold a baby in your arms as you leave the hospital?

As we visited her grave today, I was reclining back on the blanket we spread out.  I read to her from one of my favorite childhood books and pictured her curled up asleep on my chest.  What a painful joy it was.

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3 thoughts on “A dream about Mabel

  1. We read stories at our son’s grave as well. We actually sing songs too because we have a tendency to sob through the books we read him. Since his name is Thomas, we sing the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song and other songs from that cartoon. It helps us create some happiness around this no-way-getting-around-it sad situation.

    I can also relate to the guilt of wanting to have another baby in your arms RIGHT NOW. Like you’re some how betraying Mabel? Mabel will always be your first. She will always be your baby and you have obviously ever so lovingly celebrated her in this blog. Nothing can take that away, not even longing dreams of bringing home another baby and eventually actually bringing home Mabel’s brother or sister.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. Yes. This is the sort of thing that differs between losing a first baby and losing a baby when you have older living children. The difference between knowing (almost) exactly what we are missing out on and being forced into only imagining it. I would expect that maybe some of the grief sits “on hold” and reemerges with the next baby. That’s what seems logical to me, anyway. No baby will replace Mabel. They simply can’t, though I do hope that if there’s another he or she might bring a special joy of their own and perhaps give another window into what may have been with Mabel (which is complex when we’re talking about a special needs baby, of course).

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