I forgot.

A few months ago, in my early days of grief, I walked around with a constant sadness, like a bag full of sorrow slung over my shoulder.  I could shift it from one side to another but it was always there.  As the days progressed, my grief did too.  The moment to moment sadness got lighter; I could function better.  Now instead of the constant heavy weight on my shoulders, I get smacked in the face with that sack full of sorrow.  When it was constant, there was almost a comfort in it- like an old friend.  But now when it hits, it hurts so bad I have trouble recovering.

Yesterday I was smacked hard.  I got my period- I realize this might be TMI, forgive me- and regardless of whether I’m trying to conceive or not (I don’t think I’ll be advertising that decision here anyways), most women don’t celebrate day 1 unless you’re happy to not be pregnant.  As I return to some new normal of a monthly schedule, it’ll be a reminder that I‘m no longer pregnant, I’m no longer recovering, I’m not breastfeeding and I no longer have Mabel.

Later that day I opened the mail and found two cards in nice envelopes hand addressed to me.  I’m still getting an occasional condolence card, which means the world to me.  I opened one from a long ago friend, and was cheered.  I opened the other and it was an invitation to a baby shower.  It was accompanied by a note from the expecting, recognizing how this could be a stab. No matter how the invite was dressed, it would still sting.  I wasn’t fortunate enough to have pregnancy that warranted a baby shower.  I wasn’t even fortunate enough to have a pregnancy that produced a take home baby.  Another reminder that I no longer have Mabel.

As these reminders hit, I began to cry.  The cry grew into sobs and then a guttural howl.  I had this tightness in my chest that I needed to release.  At one point, through my tears and in between moans, I said to Chris, mournfully- “it’s still there!” Despite all my screaming I couldn’t get it out.  It was a hurt that pounded in my chest, trying to eat its way out.  It was a gnawing, scratching, pulling at my core, that no amount of howling would release.

In the midst of my meltdown, I had a sudden realization.  Despite these reminders that I no longer have Mabel, I had forgotten it was Saturday- Mabel’s day- the day I visit Mabel.  I was so overwhelmed with my emotions that I forgot.  I hate to even write those words.  I forgot.  I didn’t include her in the schedule of errands to run for the day.  I howled at this realization because I felt like a bad mother.  I forgot.  I have one thing to do to parent my daughter and that’s to visit her.  I like visiting her.  Sometimes I go and just sit with her.  I had gone by myself just two days before to celebrate her three-month birthday.  But on this regular day, I forgot.

The day was eventually salvaged.  I was so distraught that I wanted to cancel all my plans for the rest of the day- but I knew that would add to my sadness.  So we went to Mabel’s grave and I apologized to her.  I spent time with some friends, who gave me good distraction.  But the pain still lingers today.  I now know what it’s like to get my first monthly reminder.  I now know what it feels like to get my first baby shower invite.  There will be many more of these triggers to come and I have to find a way to cope.

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4 thoughts on “I forgot.

  1. TMI crazy. I always celebrate Day 1. It’s a sign that all is well. All flows. I love it. It’s like a good rain storm or cry… cleansing.

    The inners cycle just right… and yet there are so many emotions that cycle, too. Each has its own time and place.

    Peace

  2. Reading your blog takes me back so much. My daughter’s day was also a Saturday. And I remember my first period. Exactly 4 weeks later. Like my body complete forgot I was ever supposed to have a baby.
    Be kind to yourself mumma xx

  3. The first period was rough… now it’s a reminder that my body is willing and able to try again, eventually. Now, every month, I beg for it to be regular, on time, a sign that all is well in there!

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