I started a pinterest board once I was publically pregnant. I pinned cribs I liked and resources for Down Syndrome. I hadn’t announced on social media that my baby had Down Syndrome, but I wasn’t hiding it either. If people followed my boards and saw that I was pinning things regarding Down Syndrome, they could make the connection. I didn’t announce because I didn’t want pity. I wanted it to be just another thing, like my baby’s gender or hair color. I was ok with sympathy for the worry that the diagnosis brought, but not pity. I named this pinterest board “Maybe Baby.” I like the way it rhymed and it described how I maybe would buy these things for my baby. A little part of me was also trying not to jinx the pregnancy. With a higher risk for loss, I didn’t want to make assumptions.
When I was in the hospital in the last weeks of my pregnancy I changed the name of that board. “Maybe Baby” sounded too realistic. Maybe I would have a baby, maybe not. It wasn’t how the name was intended but it felt too much like tempting fate. I changed the name to simply “Baby Baby.”
I am still in shock about how so many of the things I worried about and cried over came true. As a midwife I was terrified about stillbirth and loss; my pregnancy turned out to have a high risk of stillbirth and I ended up with a loss. When someone told me they were pregnant, I cried in private saying to Chris- “they’re going to have two babies and I’m going to have none.” I would tell people about my baby’s Down Syndrome so that I could tell them that there was a high risk of loss. I named a board “Maybe Baby” and it turned out to be a good description of my pregnancy.
I am a very rational person but there is still a little voice that tells me- you worried too much. This is what happens when you worry too much, your worries come true. You predicted your future with pinterest.