Maybe Baby

I started a pinterest board once I was publically pregnant.  I pinned cribs I liked and resources for Down Syndrome.  I hadn’t announced on social media that my baby had Down Syndrome, but I wasn’t hiding it either.  If people followed my boards and saw that I was pinning things regarding Down Syndrome, they could make the connection.  I didn’t announce because I didn’t want pity.  I wanted it to be just another thing, like my baby’s gender or hair color.  I was ok with sympathy for the worry that the diagnosis brought, but not pity.  I named this pinterest board “Maybe Baby.”  I like the way it rhymed and it described how I maybe would buy these things for my baby.  A little part of me was also trying not to jinx the pregnancy.  With a higher risk for loss, I didn’t want to make assumptions.

When I was in the hospital in the last weeks of my pregnancy I changed the name of that board.  “Maybe Baby” sounded too realistic.  Maybe I would have a baby, maybe not.  It wasn’t how the name was intended but it felt too much like tempting fate.  I changed the name to simply “Baby Baby.”

I am still in shock about how so many of the things I worried about and cried over came true.  As a midwife I was terrified about stillbirth and loss; my pregnancy turned out to have a high risk of stillbirth and I ended up with a loss.  When someone told me they were pregnant, I cried in private saying to Chris- “they’re going to have two babies and I’m going to have none.”  I would tell people about my baby’s Down Syndrome so that I could tell them that there was a high risk of loss.  I named a board “Maybe Baby” and it turned out to be a good description of my pregnancy.

I am a very rational person but there is still a little voice that tells me- you worried too much.  This is what happens when you worry too much, your worries come true. You predicted your future with pinterest.

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2 thoughts on “Maybe Baby

    • thanks. it’s always helpful for me to hear that. I still struggle with the magical thinking- i worried too much, causing my worry to come true. I said the words “she’s going to have two babies and I”m going to have none!” when some relatives announced their pregnancies not long after we found out Mabel had DS. I was at the time only worried about the risk of loss (miscarriage, stillbirth) associated-not even thinking about lethal birth defects. Sometimes I still think saying those words somehow contributed.

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