It’s like running a marathon

I can’t escape it- reminders everywhere.  The night before my due date a friend on facebook announced her pregnancy and now a belly photo follows.  At bootcamp the woman who owns the studio had her baby a week after I lost Mabel. And she’s got newborn pictures posted right next to the sign in board.  I went to a bridal shower (I’m a bridesmaid) yesterday, excited to have a day where I could focus on someone else, and another bridesmaid brought her 3-month old. I was warned ahead of time that she would and I thought I’d be fine. But seeing her in the parking lot carrying the baby carrier just reminded me that I should be doing the same but I’m empty handed.  And then there are those posts on fb about how grateful someone is for what they have. Or squeezing their kids a little tighter today. I certainly think pregnancy should be celebrated, newborns need to be near their mothers to nurse and people should be thankful for what they’re given.  These are things I would be doing too.  Heck, these are things under any other circumstances, I would be celebrating with my friends.  Even my latest distraction- Friday Night Lights- just had a plot line where a main character had a baby.  It all just feels like salt in my wounds.

I’m not saying these things shouldn’t happen.  People have every right to celebrate what they have- pregnancy and babies.  I hope no one sees this as an attack.  It’s just a frustration.  An unavoidable frustration.  Life goes on.  More people will get pregnant.  More babies will be born.  To borrow a phrase I used earlier in pregnancy- “This is our life now.”

 

I know the answer is to avoid. Get off facebook, don’t go to bootcamp, leave if I see a newborn. But these are all places that I need in a way- I need distraction and exercise.  I have already given up so much, why should I have to give up some things that used to make me happy?

 

When I get upset seeing pregnant women, hearing about their recent births or seeing them with their babies, it’s not because I necessarily resent them.  It’s just that I’m supposed to have all those things too.  I did what they did and how is it that I’m standing here empty handed?  Like someone who has never had a baby?  Before I had Mabel I was content being someone without kids.  But now I’m not content being in that category.  It’s like running a marathon- I ran the same race that everyone else did, but at the end I don’t get a medal.  I don’t get my photo taken.  I don’t get a rest.  Instead I’m told I have to run it all over again and no one will really know that I even ran the first one.  And they won’t tell me when they’ll even let me in the next race.  I have to wait.  And watch others as they cross the finish line and are rewarded and recognized for it.

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3 thoughts on “It’s like running a marathon

  1. still here and reading every word in Boston, Meghan. Mabel will never be forgotten. I asked my OB one time if she could tell by looking at patients’ cervixes whether or not they’d given birth. She said yes; the cervixes of women who have given birth look like little smiles. I’m sure you already know this, of course, being a midwife, but I think it’s fantastically cool, for lack of a better word, that Mabel has forever changed your body. She put the smile on your cervix, which is so much less eloquent than what you said at her service – that is, that she paved the way for the safe delivery of her siblings. And when her siblings do come, whether it be months or years from now, I can’t wait to read about it. Yours is a story with so many happy chapters ahead. Love to you.

    • thank you Stacey. we often think about stretch marks and extra pounds as the battle scars we earn in pregnancy and childbirth. It’s true that a mulitp (our term for someone who has had a baby) cervix looks different than a nullip (term for someone who hasnt had a baby) cervix. I hadnt thought about the smile- I like how you put it “she put a smile on my cervix.” She also made me a multip- which is a blessing in itself, makes for faster future labors and now I have a “proven pelvis,” proven that it can bear a baby. gifts. I hope that I am lucky enough to use those gifts in the future.

      • Mabel proved your pelvis and put the smile on your cervix – everyone has a purpose, indeed 🙂 I know noone has a crystal ball, but in response to your hope that you’re lucky enough to use those gifts in the future, my first thought was, “Of course you will be.” There will be no mother more happy to be engorged and sleep deprived than you.xo

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