The newborn things that will never be

Four weeks old today- that’s how old my daughter would have been if she lived.  I imagine someone cooing over my baby in the carrier as we are grocery shopping, asking how old?  One month.  Something I will never get to say.  I used to worry over whether I’d want to tell onlookers that she has Down Syndrome.  A problem I wish I had.  My world is filled with things that will never be.  And these are just the things I will miss as a newborn.  I will not have any new photos of my baby.  I am lucky to have over 200 photos documenting her short life but I will never have a new one.  I have one of hers as the background on my phone and I won’t have an updated ones to swap out.  I have posted a few to facebook and those will likely be the only ones I share.  As the time between now and when I met my baby grows, my daughter will not.  She will always be a six-hour old newborn in my mind.  I will not see who she grows into. I will not see what color her hair will be when all the newborn hair falls out and the new hair comes in.  I won’t ever know the true color of her eyes, because she barely opened her eyes during her short life, saving all her energy just to breathe.  I will never feel the weight of her in my arms as she nurses.  I will never change her diaper.  I will never comfort her when she’s crying.  I will never get frustrated at her for waking me up in the middle of the night. I will never get to bring her to the office to show her off.  I will never dress her in the girly girl clothes I had envisioned. I will never get to introduce her to anyone, “this is Mabel.”

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3 thoughts on “The newborn things that will never be

  1. I too am so thankful you are continuing to tell your story and continuing to share Mabel with us. Your words and sweet Mabel have meant so much to me these past few months.

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