We made it through my first goal. Get through Christmas.
I’ve taken some time off work, which has given me the chance to think, adjust and move forward. I had a week at home alone and then this week, Chris was off work and we also spent time with my family. All this time has made me feel more ready to get back to some sort of normal life. It’ll be a new normal, but it’ll feel like some sort of life again. I’ve reached the point where I think being at home is no longer very helpful.
The hardest part of figuring this all out is trying to come up with a coping strategy. Do I have hope? And hope for what? Hope that this baby will live? Hope that this baby will come home? Live a life off a vent? I feel like those are hard to really conceptualize. In general I tend to be someone who prepares for the worst, so that I can be ready if it happens. It may not happen, in which case I’ve worried for nothing. But its how I’ve operated in the past and its worked in some weird way for me. So I have spent this time thinking about losing the baby- what it will be like, how I will cope. And if I don’t lose the baby, how much more wonderful that will be, right? No one can paint a picture of the future for me- my case is not common. I have helped people through loss and its the only scenario I can accurately picture. So I am grieving, preparing to lose this baby.
I’m terrified to return to work. I’m still emotional and don’t really know when a crying spell will hit. I just hope when they come, they are not too public.