Grow, grow, grow…

We have an ultrasound tomorrow.  After the normal level II and fetal echo, I breathed a sigh of relief.  Those were the big ones.  No major birth defects. Heart is normal.  I thought those would be the big milestones.  Hah! Every ultrasound, every midwife visit is a milestone now.  My weight, my fundal height, baby’s heartbeat all are successes.  Or potentials for abnormal.  I can’t assume anymore.

A woman in my online community of people with prenatal diagnoses of Down Syndrome recently posted that she lost her baby at 30weeks.  She mentioned a growth issue.  I think that’s playing into my anxiety.  Tomorrow is a growth scan.  See how my kiddo is measuring.  I am constantly comparing myself to my patients who are at my gestational age and thinking- am I bigger than them? Smaller?  I lament about weight gain, but at the same time I don’t mind it, if my baby is growing.  That’s what my baby has to do now. Grow.  I tried measuring myself with a tape measure (something I do for patients in the office.).  Not a good idea.  I’m not flexible enough to get a good measurement. Plus, then what? I call my midwives and say I’m measuring too small?? What are they going to do? I have to just wait for the ultrasound.  I’m constantly learning the art of patience.

Plus there is always that instant fear of, will they see a heartbeat.  I’m feeling much better about that- now that I feel movement.  And what about the bowel?  Any other birth defects they’ll see now that the karate carrot is bigger?  So many things to worry about.

This is the down side of knowing ahead of time.  Instead of eagerly anticipating an ultrasound as a chance to see my baby again, I anxiously await it to see what news it’ll bring.  But then again, had I not known ahead of time, I probably wouldn’t be getting more ultrasounds.

For now I know this: My baby is moving, I’m getting bigger.  These are good signs.  Wish us luck tomorrow.

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