First trimester…the early worries

In the beginning, I was nervous.   I didn’t want people to know I was trying.  I didn’t want people to know I was trying and not pregnant.  And when I got pregnant, I didn’t want anyone to know right away.  I was very private.  I was nervous.  I’ve seen enough miscarriages to make me justifiably nervous.  I saw one woman after an ultrasound that showed she miscarried at 7 weeks and she asked me tearfully how she was going to tell her 6 year old.  I was not going to be her.  I just had to get to 13 weeks and then I could tell the world.  Or 15 weeks.  Or when the baby was born.

When I had my first ultrasound and it showed an empty sac, I was devastated. There should have been a heartbeat.  There should have been a blob.  There should have been something.  All my excitement vanished.  I planned a D&C for the following week, with an ultrasound beforehand, just to be sure.  And so I went to work and held back tears as I listened to women complain about their pregnancies and felt a strong connection to those women who wanted to be pregnant and to those who were miscarrying.  I was nauseous and sad and felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I was mourning the pregnancy I thought I would have.  Worried I would have trouble conceiving again.    Worried I’d never be a mom.  Worried I’d be spending my days with pregnant women but never be pregnant myself.

A week later, we could see a heartbeat! I was over the moon! I could rejoin the world of the happy and hopeful again.  But that worry never fully left. We told our families at 12 weeks- but asked everyone to hold off on sharing the news until we had our 13 week ultrasound (our first trimester screen)- just to make sure everything was fine and to officially get me out of the first trimester.  After telling my parents, I remember saying it still felt early to tell.  I was still nervous.  I’m a worrier by nature, so it felt natural to be nervous.  In retrospect my sister tells me it was my maternal instinct kicking in early.  Little did I know I would learn about whole new level of worry.